humor

"Jace suggested that the cast of "Gilligan's Island"could go do something anatomically unlikely with themselves."

"Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!"

"If we went by the world's definition of who I'm supposed to be because I look weird... 'Well, surely, this guy can't have a productive life, surely, he doesn't have a sense of humor. Surely, he can't love life.' We stereotype people in this world. And so... if the world thinks you're not good enough, it's a lie, you know. Get a second opinion."

"A sense of humor saves your life, and being able to make friends wherever you go."

"Five syllables,"Apollo said, counting them on his fingers. "That would be real bad."

"I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes."

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!"

"It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets."

"Housework can kill you if done right."

"Oh Tigger, where are your manners?""I don’t know, but I bet they’re having more fun than I am."

"Laughter is an instant vacation."

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."

"Okay, sense of humor: plus one. Being able to laugh at yourself: plus one. Being able to laugh at other people without being mean: plus one. Vanity: minus one."

"We could visit him,"suggests Will. "But what would we say? 'I didn't know you that well, but I'm sorry you got stabbed in the eye'?"

"People talk too much. Humans aren't descended from monkeys. They come from parrots."

"I'm happy to say that at 62, I think I've reached that point where stuff doesn't bother me as much, and my gratitude level has gone way up, especially having gone through the loss that I've had, and losing so many of the great artists that I was close to. They taught me how to see it with a grain of salt and a lot of humor and perspective."

"Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing."

"I like men who have a future and women who have a past."

"I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100."

"Are you always a smartass?'Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep."