humor

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"Cats are puddles of cuteness. I stepped in one the other day that was so muddy I not only had to pet it, but cuddle with it for hours."

"Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty."

"Don’t put off till tomorrow anyone you could be doing today."

"Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people."

"Do you answer a question directly?""Hard to say. Ah, there, I've done it again"

"All the people who follow me on Twitter know my sense of humor. I sometimes forget the blogosphere will give it more weight than I intended."

"I just bought a new dishwasher. Some guy was selling two of them in a barn, and it was either that or get a horse, but horses leave spots on silverware."

"It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya."

"Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus."

"My father was an electrical engineer who worked at Westinghouse in Pittsburgh. When I was growing up, my mother wrote humor columns for the local paper. She was the Erma Bombeck of Murrysville, Pa."

"A few said they'd be horses. Most said they'd be some sort of cat. My friend said she'd like to come back as a porcupine. I don't like crowds, she said."

"Behold, the number five is at hand. Grab it and shake and harness the power of networking."

"I’m giving a free concert tonight. Seating is limited, so bring your own toilet. While there is no admission price, if you bring 100 dollars, it’s like a roll of toilet paper."

"I never write anything without humor, just because I like humor, but at the same time, it is a way for anything fantastical to become relatable."

"You're Valentine's son. I'm sure you're the one the Queen really wants to see. Besides, you're charming. Maybe not at the moment."

"Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT"

"I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler."

"I let out a laugh that sounded more like the yip of a startled poodle. "Superp-powers? I wish. My powers aren't winning me a slot on the Cartoon Network anytime soon... except as a comic relief. Ghost Whisperer Junior. Or Ghost Screamer, more like it. Tune in, every week, as Chloe Saunders runs screaming from yet another ghost looking for her help."Okay, superpower might be pushing it."

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart"