humor

"I want to sprint into her open arms, but I run as fast as two shoes tied together and thrown over a telephone wire. I’m like Roger Bannister, now that he’s in a wheelchair."

"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."

"The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience."

"At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated."

"I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think."

"I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft"is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years."

"The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure."

"The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'"

"Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them."

"That point in the sky where yellow meets blue, that’s a handshake I want to see at a #networking event. Sunglasses sold separately."

"Peter, you're twelve years old. I'm ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice."

"My humor is my creativity, and my skepticism is a gift."

"One of my favorite things about 'Star Trek' wasn't just the overt banter but the humor in that show about the relationships between the main characters and their reactions to the situations they would face; there was a lot of comedy in that show without ever breaking its reality."

"A rose is a mixture of flower and thorns, which means it’s half “Let’s fuck,” and half “fuck you."

"Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some."

"I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job."

"My own life is wonderful, but if I had to live the life of someone else, I'd gladly choose that of Julia Child or Dr. Seuss: two outrageously original people, each of whom fashioned an idiosyncratic wisdom, passion for life, and sense of humor into an art form that anyone and everyone could savor."

"So when the moon's only partly full, you only feel a little wolfy?""You could say that.""Well, you can go ahead and hang your head out the car window if you feel like it.""I'm a werewolf, not a golden retriever."

"Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises."

"I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story."