humor

"I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money."

"Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me."

"The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom."

"Have you made any other friends since we've been here?"I gave him the death stare. "Yes, actually.""Who? I want a name.""Jamie Roth.""The Ebola kid? I heard he's a little unstable.""That was one incident."

"I am a candid interview and I have a dark and dry sense of humor - a very Canadian sense of humor and I am only learning now stupidly that you can't read tongue. When I say something funny in a newspaper and I meant it to be funny, it doesn't read that way."

"Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar."

"Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, Seven for the Dwarf-lords in halls of stone,Nine for Mortal Men, doomed to die, One for the Dark Lord on his dark throneIn the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie."

"These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time."Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail.""I was referring to the Bible."Faukman cringed. "I knew that."

"I love puns. I've been known to turn the car around just to take advantage of a good pun situation. It really is the highest form of humor."

"A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest."

"If you need me I’ll be napping in the supplies closet. The most important part of an attack is the planning."

"Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives."

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

"if something is there, you can only see it with your eyes open, but if it isn't there, you can see it just as well with your eyes closed. That's why imaginary things are often easier to see than real ones."

"[My mom's] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it's her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that."

"The thing that makes 'Dirty Jobs' different is that it's one of the few shows that portrays work in a way that doesn't highlight the drudgery. Instead, it highlights the humor."

"Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty."

"A tree with red leaves is like an old man with gray hair. Likewise, my love for you was blue, but now it’s orange, and that’s a compliment."

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"When I make love, I make extra, and then I keep it in my pants pockets. Well, not all of it. I give an inappropriate amount to the tax collectors."