humor

"There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better."

"I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate."

"From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in."

"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing."

"A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise."

"I don't know what I was expecting a vampire's room to look like. Maybe lots of black, a bunch of books by Camus... oh, and a sensitive portrait of the only human the vamp ever loved, who had no doubt died of something beautiful and tragic, thus dooming the vamp to an eternity of moping and sighing dramatically.What can I say? I read a lot of books."

"We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free."

"Never doubt my weaseling abilities, Shadowhunter, for they are epic and memorable in their scope."

"I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald."

"It's a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there's no two ways about it."

"Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers."

"I think probably the qualities that I look for in a man are somewhat different than they were before I became a public person, but not that much different. I think that, sort of, the element of trust is certainly much bigger for me, but the other things that - the other qualities, intelligence and kindness and sense of humor, those things."

"Tessa: I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?"Will: "I've never swum naked in the Thames, but I know I wouldn't like it.""But think how entertaining for sightseers,"said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin."

"I peddle my wares as fast as I pedal my bicycle and petal my flowers, and that’s why my sales growth seems so slow. But given time, my brand will be in full bloom."

"You're a painter. You're a baker. You like to sleep with the windows open. You never take sugar in your tea. And you always double-knot your shoelaces."

"I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it."

"When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car."

"Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them."

"Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?"

"No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal."