humor

"What...what about when I'm married?”“We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits."

"Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat."

"So, I'm thinking of a name for a villain that has a sense of humor. I thought of 'The Joker' as a name, and as soon as I thought that, I associate it with the playing card, as my family had a tradition of champion playing; my brother was a contract champion bridge player. There were always cards around the house."

"Last weekend I went out of my comfort zone to go hang out with people I’d only heard about, and I met one new person who turned out to be a very valuable contact. I should try networking at my family reunions more often, because that’s how I finally met my dad."

"Celebrate your successes. Find some humor in your failures."

"I have two ears, so why can’t I listen to two things at once? A politician only has one mouth, yet doublespeaks all the time."

"Somebody says, 'Do a Tom Bodett, a folksy kind of thing,' and it sounds like something out of 'Hee Haw,' very insulting. They turn wry humor into disparaging sarcasm, and you get what amounts to insulting advertising."

"My name represents me, but it’s not who I am. It’s just a collection of letters. Unfortunately, none of them are love letters."

"Har. Bloody. Har."

"Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one."

"It's a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really."

"He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet."

"EARLY BIRDOh, if you’re a bird, be an early birdAnd catch the worm for your breakfast plate.If you’re a bird, be an early early bird--But if you’re a worm, sleep late."

"I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose."

"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."

"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?"it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

"We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars)."

"I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill."

"Ooh..I want one"- BexThey're not puppies."-Cammie"

"Hercules,huh? Percy frowned. "That guy was like the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turn--there he is."