humor

"To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition."

"Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar."

"It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech."

"I think my sense of humor is Jewish. I'm smarter than most white people, which is kind of a Jewish thing, too."

"You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I'll buy you a pony."

"William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?"

"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

"If you fail to report within the next 12 hours. you will be terminated. If you attack any humans, you will be terminated. If you attempt to remove the tracking device, you will be terminated. We look forward to working with you."

"Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something"

"I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter."

"You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?"

"I observe Stand Still Day. I also observe whatever I’m standing in front of at the time. I hope on that day I see how much you love me."

"I like to spoon after I fork."

"To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem."

"He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?""Like what?""Like hitting on you.""Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way."Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee."What? You think he does?""Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.""Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?""Not enough coffee."

"Candidates should be extremely cautious in displaying a sense of humor. If he or she tells a joke with a point, there is almost certain to be some minority group offended."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

"I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick."