humor

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint."

"Today we’re living in an anti-Waldo world, where you don’t want to blend in and have people struggle to find you. You want your personal brand to stand out like you’re wearing a red and white sweater, and everyone else has on black."

"Last night I didn’t sleep for a solid eight hours. No, it melted a little. Damn global warming."

"I gave her a hundred dollar bill. She said, “Thanks, how can I repay you?” I replied, “Two fifties would be good, but three fifties would be better."

"The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity."

"Reading 'Youth in Revolt' might have ruined my career because suddenly I wanted to abandon all the emotional truth of something and just go out far on a literary limb with completely implausible things that relied completely on voice and humor. And what saved me is realizing that I couldn't do that very well."

"People who know me, they know I have a sense of humor, I'm a bit of a joker, a bit of a clown really, and I would love someone to exploit that side of me and send me a romantic comedy."

"I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it's just not funny."

"Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant."

"Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do."

"A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you."

"You've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed."

"If I can't see the humor in it, how am I going to be funny?"

"French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused."

"I wear a glove to honor all the men who have given me a hand. And to think, out of all those men, they only had one hand. No wonder I never get any high-fives."

"The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter."

"He has such a patronizing tone and manner, and such a sarcastic sense of humor. I found him rather brutal, a kind of elegant brutality which appealed. No, I think he came pretty much off the page."

"In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh."

"I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren’t so different after all."