humor

"Sometimes when I try to make jokes or have a sense of humor in interviews, it doesn't go over very well. But Twitter made my life easier in this way that I didn't expect. It would have taken probably 10 times as long for people to accept my voice and my sense of humor if I didn't have Twitter."

"I don't want tea,"said Clary, with muffled force. "I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them.""Unfortunately,"said Hodge, "we're all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it's either tea or nothing."

"Because teachers, no matter how kind, no matter how friendly, are sadistic and evil to the core."

"I’ll stand by you forever. Or at least until noon, and then I’ll go stand under the cabana. Isn’t love amazing?"

"Um,"Doc said in a mild voice, "medically speaking, I'm not sure that was the most helpful thing for his condition.""But I feel better,"Jared answered, sullen.Doc smiled the tiniest smile. "Well, maybe a few more minutes of unconsciousness won't kill him."

"It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-""You invented the internet?"It was my idea, Martha said.Rats are delicious, George said."It was my idea!"Hermes said. "I mean the internet, not the rats. But that's not the point."

"Standing in the kitchen when you’re hungry is torture. That’s why I moved my fridge to my dungeon, where I keep the prisoners."

"The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks."

"There's no trouble in this world so serious that it can't be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer."

"I am attracted to intelligence, a witty sense of humor, an adventurous outlook on life and spiritual awareness about one's self and the world."

"Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag."

"When I teach the formal curriculum, I have the chance to think about it ahead of time. I can rehearse it. I can illustrate it with self-deprecating humor and humble-sounding personal disclosure. I can try to make it comes out just right."

"Before I could figure out how to apologize for being such an idiot, she tackled me with a hug, then pulled away just as quickly. "I'm glad you're not a guinea pig.""Me, too."I hoped my face wasn't as red as it felt."

"It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"At church, during communion, they give out free wine. Whoa! Talk about a great place to drink and meet women."

"Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)"

"Of course, everyone's parents are embarrassing. It goes with the territory. The nature of parents is to embarrass merely by existing, just as it is the nature of children of a certain age to cringe with embarrassment, shame, and mortification should their parents so much as speak to them on the street."

"Do you find this...distracting?"

"I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Griggs."Anson Choi feigns surprise. "What's her name?""I didn't actually catch her name,"Griggs continues."Lily,"Raffaela says over her shoulder and this time I give her a sideways look."Great to know that I'm in love with a girl with a cool name.""It's Taylor's middle name,"Raffaela calls back again."

"I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one."