humor

"I have an inconsequential errand to run tomorrow so I’ll get up at 5, be there at 5:30, and wait for them to open up at 10. I’m never late, except in love."

"That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."

"Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe."

"If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away."

"A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh."

"I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some."

"When I was young, I was 13 going on 31. Then when I was 30 going on 31, I was 30 going on 29. Now I’m in love and I’ve lost all sense of time—and all the rest of my sense."

"Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights."

"She should've interviewed Snape,"said Harry grimly. "He'd give her the goods on me any day. "Potter has been crossing lines ever since he first arrived at this school..."

"I think a lot of humor is about distracting yourself. Pretend you're not trying to make it funny. Because for some reason the effort to be funny smells like sulphur in our culture."

"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."

"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."

"Hotel hallways should have conveyer belts for floors, so I can feel like a grocery item on vacation. I guess I’m just a romantic."

"I had a dream about you. The seasons changed, but you did not. You were the same old person you always were, only older. And I was the same old person I always was, only younger. Yes, I’d discovered the Fountain of Youth, and since we were such old friends, I was going to let you have a swig for 10% off the suggested retail price."

"Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."

"The man with the real sense of humor is the man who can put himself in the spectator's place and laugh at his own misfortune."

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?"

"Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life."

"Having a sense of humor has served me more than it has hurt me - just in the sense that it has allowed me to keep my sanity."

"I just try to write what I think would really happen, and with grief and tragedy, there are these naturally occurring moments of levity and humor and absurdity. I think that's what life is really like. Sadness gets interrupted, and happiness gets interrupted."