"TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public."
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humor
3857 quotes in this category
Discover inspiring humor quotes from famous authors and thought leaders. Find wisdom and motivation about humor to inspire your life.
humor Quotes
"Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus."
"I called Vee."How are you doing?"I asked."Good. How are you?""Good."Silence."Okay,"Vee said in a rush, "I am still totally freaked out. You?""Totally."
"The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good."
"She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic."
"You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt"
"What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer."
"Drinking coffee is like drinking an inverse yawn. I prefer mine with two spoonfuls of “I’m listening."
"I had a dream about you. The seasons changed, but you did not. You were the same old person you always were, only older. And I was the same old person I always was, only younger. Yes, I’d discovered the Fountain of Youth, and since we were such old friends, I was going to let you have a swig for 10% off the suggested retail price."
"Frank didn’t drop you on purpose,” she said. “He’s not like that. He’s just a little clumsy sometimes.”“Oops,” Leo said, in his best Frank Zhang voice. “Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!"
"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."
"Comedy, we may say, is society protecting itself - with a smile."
"For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were."
"How is it possible to have a civil war?"
"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."
"I let out a laugh that sounded more like the yip of a startled poodle. "Superp-powers? I wish. My powers aren't winning me a slot on the Cartoon Network anytime soon... except as a comic relief. Ghost Whisperer Junior. Or Ghost Screamer, more like it. Tune in, every week, as Chloe Saunders runs screaming from yet another ghost looking for her help."Okay, superpower might be pushing it."
"For me, I really love 'Tim and Eric' and 'Dr. Steve Brule' and a lot of the Adult Swim shows, so I like strange, weird, sometimes slightly upsetting humor."
"Charlie whistled "Amazing Grace"as he drove. It was all I could do not to whip my head around and snap, Are you kidding me? Couldn't he pick something more appropriate, like "Shout at the Devil"or "Don't fear the Reaper"? Some people had no sense of the proper music for a kidnapping."
"If you're that hypersensitive about color and don't have a sense of humor, don't marry out of your race."
"Magnus, standing by the door, snapped his fingers impatiently. "Move it along, teenagers. The only person who gets to canoodle in my bedroom is my magnificent self.""Canoodle?"repeated Clary, never having heard the word before."Magnificent?"repeated Jace, who was just being nasty. Magnus growled. The growl sounded like "Get out."