humor

"I was a timid little guy when I was a kid. I used humor as a defense; I became the class clown. But deep inside, I felt real vulnerable."

"Our first show, 'A Little Nightmare Music,' encompasses a lot of zany humor with beautiful classical music."

"This is me.’"He handed her the precious scrap of paper. ‘Call me or I’ll call you, but one of us will call, yes? What I mean is it’s not a competition. You don’t lose if you phone first"

"I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it."

"The only way I could get comfortable around people was to make them laugh. I was an obedient girl, and humor was my one form of rebellion. I used comedy to deflect. Like, 'Hey, check out my zit!' - you know, making fun of yourself before someone else has a chance to."

"Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page,"Radar said. "For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I don't think it's accurate to say, 'Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, but unfortunately he has never cried."

"Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings."

"Stephen King has inspired me with his humor and honesty, and his admonition that the author's job is to tell the truth."

"She talks like you. It’s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag who’s only holding Cinderella back.” "That’s my girl."

"I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point."

"I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it."

"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them."

"I think the humor of double puns is incredible."

"The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised."

"Silver is an investment. It’s like a second-place future. Makes me want to create Michael Phelps-flavored ice cream and eat a whole tub."

"I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely."

"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."

"His hair isn’t turning gray—it’s turning silver, and it’s going up in value. Aging is the best hedge against an inflationary fiat currency."

"I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you."

"Why?' is always the most difficult question to answer. You know where you are when someone asks you 'What's the time?' or 'When was the battle of 1066?' or 'How do these seatbelts work that go tight when you slam the brakes on, Daddy?' The answers are easy and are, respectively, 'Seven-thirty in the evening,' 'Ten-fifteen in the morning,' and 'Don't ask stupid questions."