humor

"Networking is drinking the nectar of interconnectedness. And I’ve been drinking since noon, so I may need @ryanlilly to drive me home."

"Another relative?"Valek asked.A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife'sthird cousin."--Valek and Moon Man"

"People in real life don't get ballplayers' humor, the way we talk in the clubhouse."

"I bought a faucet, but water wasn’t included. That’s like when you buy my love—it’s dirty and used, but soap isn’t included."

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

"Silver is an investment. It’s like a second-place future. Makes me want to create Michael Phelps-flavored ice cream and eat a whole tub."

"Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don't ever piss one off."

"All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."

"Comedy is so hard to do, so it was very cool to do dead pan humor."

"The schizophrenic has no sense of humor. His world is a constantly daunting, unfriendly place."

"Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli"

"I am the three minutes of 180 seconds, and I don’t do refills. I’m a lover, not a farmer."

"You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink!"

"I think in life, the sense of humor and comedy always exists."

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful."

"At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated."

"Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers."

"I love puns. I've been known to turn the car around just to take advantage of a good pun situation. It really is the highest form of humor."

"The real important things are kindness and a sense of humor. I've been fortunate to have dated and could have easily married women who have those qualities, and time and circumstances didn't work out. Timing plays a big part."