#humor

"Animal Species Identity [10w] Funny how animals know their own species without a mirror."

"He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it."

"I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. “Of course not, Ian. It’s just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard."

"Home Never give up a home for a house;you may never find a home again."

"Wit is educated insolence."

"We're on a planet, relax!"

"You're My Favorite' If you want all your children to know they're your favorite,give them all the same nameand whisper this confession in all their earswith the promise not to telltheir brothers and sisters."

"The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much."

"Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail backwards"

"A rose is a mixture of flower and thorns, which means it’s half “Let’s fuck,” and half “fuck you."

"Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.-Jillian's mother"

"Why on earth would you buy a car like this if you can't drive a stick? There are dozens of cars--new cars--that have automatic transmission. It'd be a million times easier."Adrian shrugged. "I like the color. It matches my living room."

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."

"The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick."

"Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows."

"She said love her or be tortured by her. I replied, "Torture would be less painful."She didn't realize that I'm a true romantic."

"I asked for info, and he offered it for a price. Now I’m selling him my security services, and if he doesn’t pay me, I’m going to give him a karate lesson—for free."

"You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. I guess when I say people, I mean everyone but my Grandfather. He hated anything that was so monotonous as repetition. That’s why he loathed walking so much. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, and on and on."

"The merest accident of microgeography had meant that the first man to hear the voice of Om, and who gave Om his view of humans, was a shepherd and not a goatherd. They have quite different ways of looking at the world, and the whole of history might have been different. For sheep are stupid, and have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led."

"Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that."