#humor

"I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?"

"He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it."

"I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite."

"You are a placebo responder. Your body plays tricks on your mind. You cannot be trusted."

"If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it."

"I swear, my dear. Sometimes our conversations remind me of a broken sword."She raised an eyebrow."Sharp as hell,"Lightsong said, "but lacking a point."

"Animal Species Identity [10w] Funny how animals know their own species without a mirror."

"She talks like you. It’s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag who’s only holding Cinderella back.” "That’s my girl."

"IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT /MEANT/ TO BE SAFE."

"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."

"Standing in the kitchen when you’re hungry is torture. That’s why I moved my fridge to my dungeon, where I keep the prisoners."

"Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!"

"Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes."

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

"Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys."

"There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor."

"All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money."

"How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all."

"Most people go to networking events to gain visibility. But in a crowded room, I’m trying to figure out how to become invisible. I network like the ghost of a chameleon."

"The dead know everything but they don't give a damn."