#humor

"Ow! My brains!"

"They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat. "Get the mail, Dudley,"said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper. "Make Harry get it.""Get the mail, Harry.""Make Dudley get it.""Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley."

"A mini self-sacrifice is made when you force your heart to wait. I’ve got mine set on a timer, so I can do other things, like chase women."

"Familiarity breeds contempt and children."

"Be Careful What You Wish For More often than not,a dream come true is a nightmare-in-the-making."

"Just because I flap my arms, that doesn’t make me a bird. No, I’m a bird because I believe myself to be. That’s the power of faith."

"Rachel: You're a half-blood, too?Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care."

"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"

"Perfect Sex [10w] Perfects sex balances the conflicting pleasures of submission and mastery."

"I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose."

"Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable."

"Excuse The bureaucrat's excuse, 'If I have to make an exception for you,I have to make an exception for everybody else',doesn't apply to me because I exceptional."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."

"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."

"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."

"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."

"April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."

"I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep."

"25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'27 And the Lord did not ask him again."

"I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met."