#humor

"My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here."

"If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it."

"Falling in love is painful on the knees."

"Some men never recover from education."

"Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles"

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."

"My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it'll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It's like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads."

"I'm not going to wear a red dress,"she said."It would look stunning, My Lady,"she called.She spoke to the bubbles gathered on the surface of the water. "If there's anyone I wish to stun at dinner, I'll hit him in the face."

"Coins [10w] Statesmen whose faces are on coins are amenable to change."

"The story so far:In the beginning the Universe was created.This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

"Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs."

"I don't know what I was expecting a vampire's room to look like. Maybe lots of black, a bunch of books by Camus... oh, and a sensitive portrait of the only human the vamp ever loved, who had no doubt died of something beautiful and tragic, thus dooming the vamp to an eternity of moping and sighing dramatically.What can I say? I read a lot of books."

"There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"Don't go looking for boys in the darkThey will say pretty things thenleave you with scars.Do go looking for boys in the parkFor that is where the true gentlemen are."

"Jealousy [10w] Jealousy's like being reprimanded for a crime you haven't committed."

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."

"What the hell is that?"I laughed."It's my fox hat.""Your fox hat?""Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.""Why are you wearing your fox hat?"I asked."Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox."

"Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,' the gypsy explained. 'Now fate is a man,' he went on, 'no planning, just go with the flow and see what tomorrow brings."

"Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe."