#humor

"The Rubik's Cube of Omár my Mán A Key of Coke underneath the Bough,A Jug of Jack, a Brick of Hash ~ Newsflash:'Now who the fuck needs Thou'."

"Okay, God, I thought. Get me out of this and I’ll stop my half-assed church-going ways. You got me past a pack of Strigoi tonight. I mean, trapping that one between the doors really shouldn't have worked, so clearly you're on board. Let me get out of here, and I’ll...I don’t know. Donate Adrian’s money to the poor. Get baptized. Join a convent. Well, no. Not that last one."

"You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk."

"What One Vulture Said to the Other I have a bone to pick with you ~which end shall we start on?"

"Travel [10w] The difference between a traveler and vacationer is one arrives."

"Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her."

"Life makes fools of all of us sooner or later. But keep your sense of humor and you'll at least be able to take your humiliations with some measure of grace. In the end, you know, its our own expectations that crush us."

"The sheer quantity of brain power that hurled itself voluntarily and quixotically into the search for new baseball knowledge was either exhilarating or depressing, depending on how you felt about baseball. The same intellectual resources might have cured the common cold, or put a man on Pluto."

"Since I don't smoke, I decided to grow a mustache - it is better for the health.However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of tobacco, were carefully placed several mustaches, Adolphe Menjou style. I offered them politely to my friends: "Mustache? Mustache? Mustache?"Nobody dared to touch them. This was my test regarding the sacred aspect of mustaches."

"I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance."

"Tasers are a one-size-fits-all paranormal butt-kicking option. Mine’s pink withrhinestones."

"She’s not a pothead. That thing on her neck is a vase. And anyway, I’m all for legalization. After all, why should surrealism be illegal?"

"You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me."

"New Year's Revolving Door [10w] + [10w] + {Couplet} 2015's revolution commences with the overthrow of New Year's resolution.Seek not absolutionfor our weak character's immune to evolution."

"What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment."

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

"It’s better if you don’t come at all, then come and act like you don’t want to be here. The same applies to there, when I’m there, which is also confusingly here, though it’s not here it’s there."

"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."

"People with money have to worry about who their real friends are. I don’t have that problem for two reasons: I don’t have any money, and I don’t have any friends."

"I didn’t give her my full attention. The bottle was half full when she started drinking. Still, from it she grew distracted, so my farming technique worked."