#humor

"I don’t know the kind of person I’ll be tomorrow, but I’ll be able to look back on yesterday and ask “What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks."

"What Ever Happened to Stupid? [10w] ‘I’m only human’,has become everybody’s license to fuck up."

"This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you."

"She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love."

"Moths,"repeats Will. "You're afraid of moths?""Not just a cloud of moths,"she says, "like...a swarm of them. Everywhere. All those wings and legs and..."She shudders and shakes her head."Terrifying,"Will says with mock seriousness. "That's my girl. Tough as cotton balls.""Oh, Shut up."

"Creation "I shake my fist and there's bang.Stars sift like sand through my fingers;each swirl of my wrist a galaxy,every kiss imbued with a bit of me."

"Whoa. Fangs. She had fangs.She leaned in, prodded them a little. Eating with those puppies was going to take some getting used to, she thought.On impulse, she brought up her hands, turned her fingers into claws. Hissed.Cool."

"We think a wise person is someone who solves problems. Truth is, a wise person is someone who avoids problems."

"Riley : "Do you want to claw at me, kitty-cat? Come on."Mercy: "Sorry, I don't beat defenseless puppies."

"I had eggs for breakfast. I ate them off the hood of a politician’s car, after I threw them there."

"Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times."

"I’ll stand by you forever. Or at least until noon, and then I’ll go stand under the cabana. Isn’t love amazing?"

"Gays & Lesbians Birds of a feather fuck together."

"Tennessee State Motto Agriculture and Commerce.Where the KKK was bornand the most popular pick up line is, 'Nice tooth!"

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."

"Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god."

"Regret vs. Good Times "If I had to regret the good times I spent with every lover who eventually disillusioned me,my love life would be reduced to ten seconds."

"The secret to humor is surprise."

"Grease [10w] Relationships between people are rarely frictionless;they all need grease."