#humor

"I hate girls that giggle all the time... You hate any girl that David looks at."

"If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt."

"Mainstream news wants to keep you as a useful idiot. Instead, try being a non-useful idiot."

"How do you feel right now?""I hurt like hell.""You'll feel worse tomorrow.""So?""So, better get a jump on this while you still feel...not as bad.""What kind of logic is that?"I retorted."

"Babel [10w] Building a tower to reach God doesn't require any bricks."

"Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying "Blood...blood...blood...blood..."

"Knowledge vs. Wisdom [10w] + [10w] Knowledge is the understanding that you are what you eat. Wisdom is not eating a pussy with hair on it."

"I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber gloves at home. Unless you enjoy networking in public restrooms."

"Diplomacy The diplomat's expert way of saying 'They should go fuck themselves' is:"We are agreed in principleand will take our minor differencesunder thoughful consideration."

"Unwitting Measure [10w] + {Couplet} "You I love and treasurein an equal, unwitting measure."

"I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount."

"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."

"On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones."

"Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat."

"Some of us go full circle. Some of us blindly go nowhere. The circle doesn’t have to be very large to make a point, kick your ass and/or be entertaining. Remember that and stay light. Even the deaf know good music when they hear it."

"Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won't answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!"

"Dawn is meant for Lovers. And so is dusk and anytime in between. Count me in. And out. In, out, in, out, and I just came, I saw, I conked out.-Amanda Mosher and Jarod Kintz"

"I've got a theory, it could be bunnies...I've got a theor-Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposesThey've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses.And what's with all the carrots-?What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?Bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies!...or maybe midgets..."