#humor

"My cabinet was made by hand. My applause is also made by hand, and I stood there clapping the whole time the carpenter was making my cabinet."

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

"This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot."

"Persistence If persistence is the foundation of all success, how come persistent liars and nags aren't more successful?"

"That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them."

"I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations."

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."

"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."

"If there’s gold in it, then the mine is mine. And if there’s no coffee in it, then the cup is yours."

"If my last name were Hunter, I’d probably be a fisherman. That’s just the kind of lover I am."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

"I love coffee cake, but I would prefer if it were just a little more drinkable. I almost choked while chugging some this morning, and if it weren’t for the fluid nature of clownfish, I might have caught feelings for Hillary using a basketball net."

"The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting."

"I like men who have a future and women who have a past."

"I’m giving a free concert tonight. Seating is limited, so bring your own toilet. While there is no admission price, if you bring 100 dollars, it’s like a roll of toilet paper."

"So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall."

"If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there."

"Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way."

"Well then,"Roen said briskly, "are you sleeping?""Yes.""Come now. A mother can tell when her son lies. Are you eating?""No,"Brigan said gravely. "I've not eaten in two months. It's a hunger strike to protest the spring flooding in the south.""Gracious,"Roen said, reaching for the fruit bowl. "Have an apple, dear."

"If I fail to succeed, I have succeeded in failing."