#humor

"I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal."

"Dinner was a riot, but the food was bland, so I doused it with pepper spray. The chef wanted to protest, but he didn’t, because I had the pepper spray."

"I bet,"said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything."

"The Written Word The only thing I hold dearer than myself(and my moms, yo') ~is the written word.I'd give my life for that bitch, (yo'.)"

"The Book of Life, I’m still writing it—both literally and literarily. So far I’ve written the Table of Contents. Right now it’s more of a coffee table."

"What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?"

"Self-growth comes from being nurtured, not tortured. I had to learn this the hard way. On sale now: Iron Maiden. Only used once."

"If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God's sake."

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

"His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,His hair is as dark as a blackboard.I wish he was mine, he's really divine,The hero who conquered the Dark Lord."

"You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink!"

"Comments Being the first to comment on a poem,is like breaking a bottle of champagneagainst the hull of a new ship."

"Ruminating Poetry A poem should be eaten in one sittingbut regurgitated often like a ruminant's food."

"Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?""Yes,"said Harry stiffly."Yes, sir.""There's no need to call me "sir"Professor."The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying."

"All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ."

"Six-Pack [10w] A six-pack of beer's inversely proportional to six-pack of abs."

"I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up."

"I am Clap Man. It’s a reverse super power, because instead of me doing the heavy lifting, I just applaud and encourage and others do all the work."

"I had a dream about you. We were trying to come up with a hashtag to market our relationship. I suggested #fourlipsonekiss and #twomouthsonevoice, but you went with something confusing like #idontloveyou and #wearenotinarelationship."

"Blackjack,"Percy said, "this is Piper and Jason. They're friends."The horse nickered."Uh, maybe later,"Percy answered.Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she'd never seen it in action."What does Blackjack want?"she asked."Donuts,"Percy said. "Always donuts."