#humor

"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings."

"A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat."

"Suicide It's ironic that suicide, an act of cowardice,requires you overcome the all powerful instinct of self-preservation ~and thereby it's transformed into an act of bravery.On the other hand, the survivors would argue, an act of stupidity ~which many acts of bravery ultimately are."

"A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar."

"College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?"

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."

"Idiots vs. Fools [10w] Idiots listen to other's bullshit;fools listen to their own."

"There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over."

"NO PDA,school rules. And besides she's my partner dickhead."said Alex."

"They call alcohol spirits, because it’s the spirit turned liquid. Would you drink my soul if you knew I’d use it to get inside of you? After all, most men buy women alcohol so they can get inside them too."

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off."

"I couldn't claim that I was smarter than sixty-five other guys--but the average of sixty-five other guys, certainly!"

"Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said."

"If football players wanted to protect their brains from injury they’d wear astronaut helmets. After all, astronauts have massive IQ’s, so wearing their protective headgear seems like a smart choice."

"I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall."

"Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on."

"Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight."

"Soulmate My Ass [10w] Aspire to marry the person the least wrong for you."

"Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon."

"It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal."