#humor

"Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him."Oh no... why?"I'm not sure that's a good idea."Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line."Are you ashamed of me?""No!"It's my turn to sound exasperated. "Introduce you to my dad as what? 'This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship'. You're not wearing running shoes."

"Were you always such a stubborn, blind, obtuse girl?”“Are you calling me stupid?”“Yes, but in a more poetic way!”“Well, here’s a poem for you. Get lost!"

"Writer's Prayers That Don't Work "Lord, lead me from the banality of everyday life,to the gleaming one beneath the surface."

"Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it."

"The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you."

"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also."

"Personally, I think so-called "common language"is more interesting and apropos than "proper English"; it's passionate and powerful in ways that "wherefore art thou ass and thy elbow"just isn't."

"I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does."

"Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too."

"Err [10w] My dear, "To err is human — to forgive, to redefine."

"Watching Jace hug Isabelle, she tried to school her features into a happy and loving expression."Are you all right?"Simon asked, with some concern. "Your eyes are crossing."

"California Haiku "After my boob jobI'm taking acting lessons.Fuck's fifty, no anal."

"As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story."

"I like coffee tables. I’m into drinkable furniture."

"How to Exercise Caution [10w] Walk in the counsel of the wickedon your treadmill."

"I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids."

"I watched the leaves change colors, and I thought, “People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remember that as my grandpa got older, his hair went from green to yellow to red, like a traffic light, only with slightly less honking."

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."

"What I'm expecting is for you to behave like the gentleman I always thought you were."

"Advice for Women at Starbucks If a vanilla latte and banana nut muffin doesn't solve the problem,perhaps you're going at it wrong."