#humor

"I’m hungry to win. I should enter a hotdog eating contest."

"No good deed goes unpunished."

"I didn't know a van could go up on two wheels like that, for so long."-Nudge"

"I feel robbing a bank would be the highest form of performance art. No need to pay to see me work. The Federal Reserve is subsidizing it."

"Hatred is a Simple Child Hatred is a simple child nurtured and coddled in a raging heart and then released into a crowd of innocents wearing a suicide vest."

"Fighting For Your Life [10w] 'Everything will be alright,'doesn't mean we stop the fight."

"Ginny!"said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. "Haven't I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain?"

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect."

"Hide things everywhere. Forget about them. Find them randomly and feel surprised like a pirate finding buried treasure. Avoid scurvy. Love more."

"She said, “I’m having the stairs rebuilt,” and I replied, “No need to get sexual with me.” I’m a bring my own elevator kind of lover anyway."

"But the goal of the arts, culinary or otherwise, is not to increase our comfort. That is the goal of an easy chair."

"I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital."

"My shadow follows me during the day, and then surrounds me at night as it clones itself into complete darkness. Now that’s self-love."

"Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up."

"Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or –""Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet.""Great idea though, thanks, Mum."

"She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you"with "May I take your order?"

"A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it."

"I love Guns N’ Roses. Reminds me of the last time I tried to pick flowers from my neighbor’s garden."

"You Can't Win [10w] Every bitch is a witch;every wife brings you strife."

"You looove me. (holds out arms) You love me this much."