#humor

"You never get mad,” she said when their server left the table. “Except at me.”“That’s not true,” he said tightly. “Torie can get me going.”“Torie doesn’t count. You were obviously her mother in a previous life."

"Self-Contempt [10w] Self-contempt is calling yourself collect and refusing to accept the charges."

"Oppressor vs. Oppressed [10w] Love somtimes disintegrates into becoming the oppressor or the oppressed."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"Using a mannequin and some rope, could you ride two bicycles at once? Next time, try three bikes. Then truly love someone, because that’s even harder."

"Memories [10w] Spend half your life creating memories,the other half, remembering."

"Sebastian just smiled. “I could hear your heart beating,” he said softly. “When you were watching me with Valentine. Did it bother you?”“That you seem to be dating my dad?” Jace shrugged. "You’re a little young for him, to be honest.”“What?” For the first time since Jace had met him, Sebastian seemed flabbergasted."

"My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me."

"Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way."

"Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers."

"If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?"

"Retail Haiku [7w] LollapaloozaLiquidation Blowout Sale.Everything Must Go!"

"We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass."

"I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious."

"I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty."

"For those who like that sort of thing,"said Miss Brodie in her best Edinburgh voice, "That is the sort of thing they like."

"I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?"

"The sheer quantity of brain power that hurled itself voluntarily and quixotically into the search for new baseball knowledge was either exhilarating or depressing, depending on how you felt about baseball. The same intellectual resources might have cured the common cold, or put a man on Pluto."

"I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet."

"I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are."