Erma Bombeck

"Housework can kill you if done right."

"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy."

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."

"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?"it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me."

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."

"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."

"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."

"When humor goes, there goes civilization."

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."

"I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food"

"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."

"It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive."