#humor

"Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell."

"‎No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time."

"Myself [10w] "I don't really know myself;he's only a tenuous acquaintance."

"You haven’t seen nothing until you’ve seen zero. You also haven’t seen nothing until you’ve seen all the love I have for politicians."

"I don't know how many of you have ever met Dijkstra, but you probably know that arrogance in computer science is measured in nano-Dijkstras."

"I want to sprint into her open arms, but I run as fast as two shoes tied together and thrown over a telephone wire. I’m like Roger Bannister, now that he’s in a wheelchair."

"Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing."

"As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight."

"I’m taller in tolerance than I am in height. Barely. I’m only 6’3, so I apologize for not being more understanding."

"I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck."

"Everything stinks till it’s finished."

"I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive."

"Hide things everywhere. Forget about them. Find them randomly and feel surprised like a pirate finding buried treasure. Avoid scurvy. Love more."

"Rhyme vs. Reason {Couplet} Do not try to make rhyme of reason,nor reason of rhyme;For the former's too systematic,the latter's too sublime."

"Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice."

"Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets."

"His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?"

"The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families."

"I’m so restless when I rest that I make sleepwalkers look like statues. If The Thinker could run 26.2 miles, it would need a baseball glove to catch me."

"See?"she heard Shane yell at the kitchen. "She doesn't stomp around like a cattle stampede!""Bite me, Collins! No bacon for you, either!"