#humor

"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement."

"When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living."

"I walked to work. I paced up and down the bus looking for a seat. Next time I walk to work I’m getting on my treadmill."

"Who, Me? We marry nearly the same person over and over again,hoping next time they'll get it right."

"You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk."

"Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'."

"Well, Diotallevi and I are planning a reform in higher education. A School of Comparative Irrelevance, where useless or impossibe courses are given. The school's aim is to turn out scholars capable of endlessly increasing the number of unnecessary subjects."

"Adventures are never fun while you're having them."

"Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?"

"But the main reason you should read this is that I don't see why I should have to know all these terrible, terrible things and you should get off scot free."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"I'm the Super-sized McShizzle, man!"Leo said. "I'm Leo Valdez, bad boy supreme. And the ladies love a bad boy."

"I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything."

"I spent most of my youth hauling sides of beef and pork to my father's shop. Carrying you is far more enjoyable.""How sweet,"Annabelle mumbled sickly, her eyes closed. "Every woman dreams of being told that she's preferable to a dead cow."

"Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway."

"Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers."

"There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that."

"Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get."

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."