#humor

"My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him."

"I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either."

"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes."

"Lynn, she saved half our faction from this stuff,"says Marlene, tapping the bandage on her arm from where the Dauntless traitors shot her. "Well, half of half of our faction.""In some circles they call that a quarter, Mar,"Lynn says."

"No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try."

"First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You're shattering every creep vampire myth I've ever heard."

"Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today?""Is that including, or not including you?"

"The trick. . .is to find the balance between the bright colors of humor and the serious issues of identity, self-loathing, and the possibility for intimacy and love when it seems no longer possible or, sadder yet, no longer necessary."

"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment."

"Nat: Maybe you broke something.Midge: I know. Never fall down, never fall down!Nat: Ah, it's nothing. I fall down every morning. I get up, I have a cup of coffee, I fall down. That's the system. Two years old, you stand up and then BOOM! seventy years later, you fall down again."

"And, she was able to tell herself with some satisfaction, the man in question - one Colin Bridgerton - felt precisely the same way........His earth shook, his heart leaped, and Penelope knew without a doubt that his breath was taken away as well. For a good ten seconds.Falling off a horse tended to do that to a man."

"Don’t ever let the sun set on our love. Not even if it’s so gorgeous it’d make a great postcard. $1.99, if interested."

"You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!"

"An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps"

"When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout."

"My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here."

"I don’t know the kind of person I’ll be tomorrow, but I’ll be able to look back on yesterday and ask “What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks."

"Dysfunctional vs. You're One Fucked Up Bitch [10w] "Causing pain's the only way you know how to love."

"I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep."

"It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts."