#humor

"Rice-a-Roni: The San Francisco treat... ...the other treat, of course, being anal penetration."

"Wheaties: Breakfast of Champions... who'll endorse any product for a price."

"Buttercup's mother whirled on him. 'Did you forget to pay your taxes?' (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.)"

"Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home."

"I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to why I’m always late."

"Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect."

"No one in the world gets what they want and that is beautiful."

"It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true."

"Reading makes you ready for the world. A man who doesn’t read is a man who is easily deceived. You must find that man and make him sign a contract, and you must do it before Satan does. Trust me, the profits are HUGE!"

"Men are not potatoes!"

"They're book addicts."

"Ooh..I want one"- BexThey're not puppies."-Cammie"

"Leo: I'm almost out of gas! Woah, that came out wrong. I meant the burning kind!"

"What's that?""That's my attack poodle."

"I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight."

"If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity."

"Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon."

"You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither."

"Simply Fabulous Haiku If I write fablesam I a fabulist orsimply fabulous?"

"I think you know if you disappeared from my life I’d be upset, but ultimately I’d make myself a new invisible cloak, to replace the one you stole."