#humor

"Carlsberg: Probably the best lager in the world... ...just like IKEA is the best furniture on earth."

"Compassion and Self-Neglect [10w] Compassionate people know how to care of everybody but themselves."

"Missouri State Motto Salus populi suprema lex esto [16]If our chiggers don't getcha', Rush Limbaugh will."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat."

"Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain."

"Don't run I never liked fast food"

"I'm making a listI'm making a list of things I must sayFor politeness,And goodness and kindness and gentlenessSweetness and rightness:HelloPardon meHow are you?Excuse meBless youMay I?Thank youGoodbyeIf you know some that I've forgot,Please stick them in you eye!"

"Why is it that all cars are women?"he asked. "Because they're fussy and demanding,"answered Zee. "Because if they were men, they'd sit around and complain instead of getting the job done,"I told him."

"Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think."

"The Getsmart PrayerI do my laundry and you do yours,I am not in this life to listen to your ceaseless yammering,And you are not in this world for any discernable reason at all.You are you, and I am I, and I got the better deal.And if by chance we find each other, it will be unspeakably tedious.Fuck off."

"Predestination [10w] 'Twas predestined that I'd call predestination a crock of shit."

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"

"I’d heard you were dead.”"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about."

"When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber."

"Marriage [10w] The only thing better than forgiveness in marriage is forgetfulness."

"Athens, Texas Haiku Blackeyed Pea Capital of the World.Yup, just another shithole."

"The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little."

"Trying to fall out of love is like trying to climb a mountain. Blindfolded, on crutches, naked in a hail storm."

"Personal branding is important to me as a person. It’s also important to me as a non-person. I am a rock."