#humor

"Goose Neck [10w] Whenever a goose has a car accident, the traffic sucks."

"We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs."

"Nine out of ten politicians are thieves. The tenth politician is a liar, and the one who conducted the survey."

"Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too."

"William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?"

"Expectation [10w] Eyes that see with expectation lieby not querying, 'Why."

"Lubbock, Texas Haiku Oil wells, Hub of the Plains.Stinks like an armpit."

"Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy!"

"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on TheeAnd I'll forgive Thy great big one on me."

"Despite his last name, I’ll bet Johnny Cash never had an inflated ego, or needed a wheelbarrow full of last name to go shopping."

"How do I know you'll keep your word?"asked Coraline."I swear it,"said the other mother. "I swear it on my own mother's grave.""Does she have a grave?"asked Coraline."Oh yes,"said the other mother. "I put her in there myself. And when I found her trying to crawl out, I put her back."

"He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet."

"We're actors — we're the opposite of people!"

"No. Now, shut up and eat your pears."

"You’ll drown in my love story, if I ever write it using a fountain pen."

"the [coat] rack above his head like a javelin.On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. "Is that a coatrack?"Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful.""Yes,"said Jace. "Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats."

"You are allowed to think whatever you want at Emory, so long as it is approved by administrators. They are watching."

"I can envision your success all day long, but until you imagine its reality, it’s not going to happen. So what are you waiting for? Start daydreaming."

"Catalyst [10w] You're not lying if your lie helps engender the truth."

"It's such a silly little thing, the heart."