#humor

"We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free."

"One Size Fits All Life Strategy Smile first.Ask questions later."

"A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away."

"I’ll finish the bottle of wine, while you finish what you were saying about how good it is. If you waste no words, I’ll waste no time."

"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward."

"Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you."

"Why does death have to stop #love? It doesn’t stop people from voting in Chicago."

"Happiness is a warm puppy."

"All the world is queer save thee and me, and even thou art a little queer."

"He who hesitates is a damned fool."

"Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it."

"I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends."

"Take off your shirt."Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you,"she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.""Are you sure?"he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me."

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

"The door banged open, and Eve rushed out, flushed and mussed and still buttoning her shirt. 'It's not what you think,' she said. 'It was just—oh, okay, whatever, it was exactly what you think. Now, what?"

"Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck."Phury: "That was you?"Z:"You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?"

"You should spend more time reading the Good Book and less reading all those novels. What are you going to tell the Lord on Judgement Day when He asks you why you didn't read your bible? Hmm?"I will tell Him that His press agents could have done with a writing lesson or two, I said. To myself."

"It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch."

"I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size,"and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together."

"9/11 Haiku: Rudy Giuliani, Mayor of New York "Now you boxcutter, Iraqi Pete, camel fuckersreally pissed me off!"