#humor

"I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking."

"What would Golan Do? That way I can ask myself before I do anything. Before I take a dump. How would Dr. Golan want me to take this dump? Should I bank it off the side or go straight down the middle? What would be the most psychologically beneficial dump I could take?"

"I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!"

"I let coffee drip into my mouth the same way I fall in love—slowly, as I wring out my shirt before going to scrub off the 32-ounce spill. I’m as romantic as a free-refill station that’s out of sugar, cream, and stirring sticks."

"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."

"You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me."

"If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home."

"What can I say? I prefer to die well informed."

"The most temptation I'd experienced had been with Tomas, the Senate's spy who had been feeding off me without permission, and Mircea, who was probably plotting some nefarious scheme. I have no taste in men."

"She’s ignoring my texts. Maybe she’s dead. Oh, I certainly hope so. I’d hate to think she’s being deliberately unresponsive."

"Eye of God [10w] The Hubble-Universe is a microchip in the Eye of God."

"Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do."

"It don't do you no nevermind to tell nobody nothing."

"The Flood that Did Not Subside [10w] What would today's world be,If Noah's dove flew into obscurity?"

"Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people."

"A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait."

"I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me."

"My teacher asked my favorite color. ... I said ‘Rainbow’.... and I was punished to stand out of my class."

"Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: "The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive."SMASH!"Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin."

"The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away."