#humor

"People, generally, suck."

"Today I Learned: Delete Today I learnedwhen you delete stuff on your computerit still resides on your hard drive.It's sort of like getting divorcedbut that bitch still lives in your house."

"It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch."

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

"Memory Timeline of Divorce Divorce +1 year: "Just because we don't talk, it doesn't mean I can't stop thinking about you."Divorce +10 years: "The one good thing that came out of our marriage was our wonderful children."Divorce +20 year: "Who? Doesn't ring a bell."

"The ultimate weapon is Lady Gaga’s music. Why kill the enemy when you can play her music and they’ll want to kill themselves?"

"War [10w] When leaders threaten war,they’re breaking dirt on our graves."

"The Pompous Psychopomp Its your charge to provide me safe passage to the afterlife,to be a midwife to my dying.Any yet, you hover there, judging me,putting on airs, you supercilious whip-poor-will.You're an embarrassment to nightjars everywhere.Now do your fucking job and take me to hell ~which I guess has already begun,judging by your shitty escort service."

"Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?", then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up."

"Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that."

"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."

"Like my grandpa, who dropped out of school to farm, I have a 4th grade education. Of course, I have a college degree, too. Both require the same reading level."

"Rhode Island State Motto Hope.Not much here but at least we have Family Guy."

"A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends."

"Do not do that again,"he said stiffly."Don't kiss me back then,"I retorted.He stared at me for what seemed like forever. "I don't give 'Zen lessons' to hear myself talk. I don't give them because you're another student. I'm doing this to teach you control.""You're doing a great job,"I said bitterly."

"Do you always ask me the same questions you ask him?""It depends on whether or not I get an answer."

"Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Then when you hit puberty they take the crayons away and replace them with dry, uninspiring books on algebra, history, etc. Being suddenly hit years later with the 'creative bug' is just a wee voice telling you, 'I'd like my crayons back, please."

"Prickly Pears [10w] Men are often like cactus fruits ~thorny outside,mushy inside."

"Politicians [10w] All politicians serve two masters ~their ambition and their cocks."

"Gray [10w] Since gray's the 'new black' things aren't black and white."