#humor

"When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' And sure enough, they get worse."

"What is grand is necessarily obscure to weak men. That which can be made explicit to the idiot is not worth my care."

"But with dogs, we do have "bad dog."Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!"The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!""Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry."

"What Women Want [10w] What women want is a feeling of security with abs."

"I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

"I know I love her, because when I see her my heart beats like a drum. If she played guitar and sang, we could start a band."

"I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it."

"Now [10w] + {Couplet} Whether you Hurry up! or P r o c r a s t i n a t e,the NOW doesn't discriminate."

"I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet."

"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."

"Death & Poetry Nothing softens the blow of death like a cushy poem to fall upon."

"Ageing [10w] There's no such thing as age -- only degrees of opacity."

"Two farewell gifts,"Sadie muttered, "from two gorgeous guys. I hate my life."

"Are you insinuatin' that my daughter is a liar?""Oh, no, not at all. I'm saying your daughter is a liar. Surely you can appreciate the difference."

"In truth, Freud sees nothing and understands nothing."

"Part of the appeal of the fantastic is taking ridiculous ideas very seriously and pretending they're not absurd."

"Avery If a boy named Avery marries a girl named Avery,will they name or just label their children?"

"Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue."

"I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic as surveillance and GPS tracking."

"Quicksand is nature’s way of saying slow down. Me pushing you in quicksand is my way of saying be still and let me love you. Isn’t it funny how a lasso looks like a noose?"