#humor

"I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was."

"You've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed."

"FEAR stands for fuck everything and run."

"Death Ride Denied At the stables of your agonyDeath brought his morbid mareTo whisk you from your woeful wantsAnd coax you from your cares.A ride you did deny this princeAnd bid him soft farewell,Hoping the morrow must be brighter sinceYour yesterdays were hell."

"I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby."

"Philosophy of science is about as useful to scientists as ornithology is to birds."

"It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal."

"Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail backwards"

"People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them."

"People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life."

"I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?"

"We could visit him,"suggests Will. "But what would we say? 'I didn't know you that well, but I'm sorry you got stabbed in the eye'?"

"You forget, darling.I am the local psychopath."

"Transubstantiation [10w] Transubstantiate digression into confessionand drink from poetry's Holy Grail."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"the Real-World was a sprawling mess of a book in need of a good editor."

"Silver is an investment. It’s like a second-place future. Makes me want to create Michael Phelps-flavored ice cream and eat a whole tub."

"Evil [10w] Believing you're evil sets into motion the wheels of self-destruction."

"I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor."

"Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there."