#humor

"My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism."

"You saw my leg?""How can a man help what he sees?"he said. "And, if I could add, you possess a very fine leg."

"There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine."

"He smiled. "How kind of you to confirm what I already know. Perhaps next you will introduce me to myself. I hear I am quite popular."

"Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational."

"I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount."

"The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families."

"A man's true character comes out when he's drunk."

"How do I know you'll keep your word?"asked Coraline."I swear it,"said the other mother. "I swear it on my own mother's grave.""Does she have a grave?"asked Coraline."Oh yes,"said the other mother. "I put her in there myself. And when I found her trying to crawl out, I put her back."

"Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet."

"Il Principe 2015: Lesson 2 ~ Shit If you're going to run for public office,you must first scrape the shit off your shoe,or the stink will follow you."

"Wrong Number [10w] There is no such thing as dialing a wrong number."

"Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut."

"Humans vs. Monkeys [10w] + [10w] Baby monkeys are much more clever than a human babies.Human babies leap ahead because of their capacity for language."

"A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old."

"Riza: Without his Alchemy he's just...Jean: A little brat who swears a lotMaes: An arrogant pipsqueakRoy: Useless. Just uselessAlphonse: Sorry big brother, I don't know how to add to that...Ed *starts to cry*: YOU'RE ALL PICKING ON ME!!!"

"Friendship vs. Love [10w] Friendship requires poise and patience;love demands pluck and perseverance."

"During my darkest hour, life threw me some curves. Thankfully they were in the shape of a woman’s body."

"The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress."

"No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world."