#humor

"I was just shy of reaching my goal. My goal was to be more extroverted, so being just shy meant I completely failed."

"Yes, Bastille. I keep trying to get killed because it's inconvenient for you."

"Networking is drinking the nectar of interconnectedness. And I’ve been drinking since noon, so I may need @ryanlilly to drive me home."

"There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine."

"I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares."

"To be the best, you have to be willing to do what nobody does. And today, if nobody reads and nobody works hard, then you also have to give up reading and become lethargic to be successful."

"Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove."

"Hush Hattie!"I said, intoxicated with my success. "I don't want to go to my room. Everyone must know I shan't marry the prince."I ran to the door to our street, opened it, and called out into the night, "I shan't marry the prince."I turned back into the hall and ran to Char and threw my arms about his neck. "I shan't marry you."I kissed his cheek. He was safe from me."

"The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays."

"Diplomacy The diplomat's expert way of saying 'They should go fuck themselves' is:"We are agreed in principleand will take our minor differencesunder thoughful consideration."

"A fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to warn the public; they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it; the acclaim was even greater. I think that's just how the world will come to an end: to general applause from wits who believe it's a joke."

"I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you any indication of my character."

"Got it. Demon. Death. Doom."

"Fat Bungee Jumpers When I watch a fat woman bungee jumpI swear I can feel the earth leaving its orbit."

"Yes, boys are a little like shoes. Why? Well...They can be useful. But mainly...They are nice to look at. Getting the right one can be a lovely accessory to an outfit. There are times when you couldn't do without them. And there are times when you'd rather do without them. Get the wrong ones and they can hurt. There are many types and often the ones that look the nicest are completely unpractical."

"The merest accident of microgeography had meant that the first man to hear the voice of Om, and who gave Om his view of humans, was a shepherd and not a goatherd. They have quite different ways of looking at the world, and the whole of history might have been different. For sheep are stupid, and have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led."

"Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries."

"Extra Crispy Deranged Free Range Chickens "Hey, I may be delusional in believing you're delusional,but one thinks for sure, the person who bothers to read this shit is delusional."

"Comments Being the first to comment on a poem,is like breaking a bottle of champagneagainst the hull of a new ship."

"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."