#humor

"That’s what being alive is, Thing! It’s being badly prepared for everything! Because you only get one chance, Thing!"

"Irish-Gaelic Wife-Fooking Proverb The truth can't be concealedI fooked your Caitlin from behind,because you can never plow a field by just turning it over in your mind.By the way, Caitlin's last words, before sucking me cock, were"Me husband's balls smells like ballyblue cheese, ahhhhhh, Éirinn go Brách!"

"See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else."

"Funny thing about glass. When you broke the shit up, it got pissed and bit back."

"If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder."

"Out of love for mankind, and out of despair at my embarrassing situation, seeing that I had accomplished nothing and was unable to make anything easier than it had already been made, and moved by a genuine interest in those who make everything easy, I conceived it as my task to create difficulties everywhere."

"When I compete, I leave it all on the table. That's my philosophy for the Hot Dog Eating Contest. Do you know what's in those things? Gross!"

"I make love like my afternoon shadow is long. I'll bring the foreplay, if you bring the guacamole. (Yes, I know there is a 99-cent upcharge.)"

"Alright, good night,” he said, his words a little slurred. “But before I pass out, I want you to know that you’re the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

"Simon: So were you following me? Or is it just an amazing coincidence that you happened to be on the roof of a building I was walking by when I got attacked?Jace: I was following you.Simon: Is this the part where you tell me you're secretly in love with me?"

"During my darkest hour, life threw me some curves. Thankfully they were in the shape of a woman’s body."

"Mulling this over, Vlad wiped her lip gloss from his lips with the back of his hand.Vampires, after all, didn't sparkle."

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button."

"First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend"

"We?"Simon looked at him in disbelief. "Are you ever going home?""What, bored with my company already?" "Let me ask you something,"Simon said. "Do you find me fascinating to be around?""What was that?"Jace said. "Sorry, I think I fell asleep for a moment. Do, continue with whatever mesmerizing thing you were saying."

"The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit."

"Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love."

"Ride?"Rhage snorted. "Please. That thing is a sewing machine with an air dam taped to it. My GTO could dust the fucker in fourth gear from a dead stop."When there was an odd sound from behind, John looked back. So did the three Brothers. "What."Xhex bristled and crossed her arms over her chest. "I can laugh, you know. And that's . . . pretty damn funny."Rhage beamed. "I knew I liked you."