#humor

"ESL New immigrantswho've taken ESL (English as a Second Language),will always misunderstand sarcasm ~but those fuckers sure as shit enjoy the prices at Walmart."

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher."

"He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo."

"You see? I know where every single book used to be in the library.' She pointed to the shelf opposite. 'Over there was Catch-22, which was a hugely popular fishing book and one of a series, I believe."

"Trying to remember a dream from a decade ago is like trying to catch fog in a coffee filter. I could subsist on morning mist."

"The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

"Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies."

"A Real Passionate Kiss Should Feel Like Dying [10w] Like ice melting into water coming to a rolling boil."

"I had a dream about you. Flowers were overflowing in the cemetery, so we decided to have a picnic there. You brought apple pie, and I brought my Aunt Mildred, who’d been dead for some time and I just hadn’t gotten around to disposing of her body. I thought you’d think me both efficient and romantic, but it turns out you didn’t. You only saw the romantic side of my action."

"America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best."Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children."We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies."

"Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne."

"I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive."

"Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results."

"I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does."

"My I love yous were watered down, which was how I was able to grow such a beautiful garden. I’m a relationship farmer, and I’m growing as a person."

"The trick to looking ageless is drinking 55 gallons of #FlashBangWowFuzz every 4-6 hours. 24-hour discounts available."

"Snoring keeps the monsters away."

"Networking is like fishing. Just give some beer and a boat and I’ll be in business."

"Why sell farming equipment to farmers? I should cut out the middleman and sell tractors directly to people dining in restaurants."

"I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.-Bobby Tom"