#humor

"There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words."[Interview, The Paris Review, Summer 1956]"

"What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell."

"Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books."

"My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can."

"To be is to do - SocratesTo do is to be - SartreDo Be Do Be Do - Sinatra"

"Love is like 9.75 plus .25. That’s 10, for all of you people trying to add fractions on your fingers. I can only count using eight, because I’m too busy using my middle fingers to tell the politicians how much I love them."

"The trick. . .is to find the balance between the bright colors of humor and the serious issues of identity, self-loathing, and the possibility for intimacy and love when it seems no longer possible or, sadder yet, no longer necessary."

"We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant"

"We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free."

"Two hundred Romans, and no one’s got a pen? Never mind!"He slung his M16 onto his back and pulled out a hand grenade. There were many screaming Romans. Then the hand grenade morphed into a ballpoint pen, and Mars began to write. Frank looked at Percy with wide eyes. He mouthed: Can your sword do grenade form?Percy mouthed back, No. Shut up."

"Err [10w] My dear, "To err is human — to forgive, to redefine."

"That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy."Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us ... all those things."But---buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know -- the one with all the horror."I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?"Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me."

"I don't have a lot of domestic instincts,"Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file."

"Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them"

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

"I give 110% in love. If that seems absurd, just know that I used presidential voting machines to calculate that number. It's totally legit."

"Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink."

"Good vs. Great [10w] To be good twice is a true mark of greatness."

"I challenge you to find a more innocuous sentence containing the words sperm, suction, swallow, and any homophone of seaman. And then call me up on the homophone and read it to me."

"You know what I like most about people? Pets."