#humor

"Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it."

"Only a fool would say they’re not a fool. Well, I am not a fool, which is why I say I am a fool."

"I’m hungry to win. I should enter a hotdog eating contest."

"Past/Present/Future I have no problem living in the present,but because of my pastpeople want to kill me in the future."

"How long have you been a Wiccan?''A what?''A pagan. A witch.''I'm not a witch,' I said, glancing out the door. 'I'm a wizard.'Sanya frowned. 'What is the difference?''Wizard has a Z'He looked at me blankly.'No one appreciates me.' I muttered."

"Fucking 3rd World Taxi Drivers [10w] Taxi drivers have ruined more vacations than tsunamis or earthquakes."

"I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."

"Why I Don't Carry a Cellphone [10w] It's a sign of servility you can be contacted anytime."

"You know how to shoot?"- Emma"Yes. My dad taught me everything about gun safety. He was an expert."- Heather"What happened to him?"-Shanna"He was...shot."-Heather"

"Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something."

"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

"If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried."

"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."

"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."

"Are all caps really necessary? No need to shout at me. My hearing is perfect when the words arrive in my mind through my eyes."

"Quit making shade while I’m trying to make noon. Go put on a blindfold and act like midnight. There’s leftover love in the freezer if you get cold."

"Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life."

"I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me."

"I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end."

"Yeah, but the lost diadem,"said Michael Corner, rolling his eyes, "is lost, Luna. That's sort of the point."