#humor

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening."

"I've had great success being a total idiot."

"Microwavable ice cream is the future. Don’t wait for love to melt all over your crotch. Scoop some Ice Cream Soup today."

"Nothing great is ever accomplished by following standards."

"You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink!"

"Jonesing [10w] Is it odd of me that I'm Jonsesing for strange?"

"I never had any doubts about my abilities. I knew I could write. I just had to figure out how to eat while doing this.[Cormac McCarthy's Venomous Fiction, New York Times, April 19, 1992]"

"Proof Proof of God's existence is as silly as proof of love's."

"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."

"Sex had been amazing, but it wasn't a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I'd picked up common sense."

"If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder."

"Anything that doesn't take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing."

"There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)"

"Fabulous Creatures and Trust Issues [10w] Never trust a sheep in wolf’s clothing despite the unicorn."

"The referees made a questionable call. Still, I was ready with an answer and picked up on the first ring. That ring was an engagement ring, and I said yes."

"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."

"I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes."

"You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me.""I was ninety percent sure.""I see,"Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hands on his cheek, more in surprise than pain."What the hell was that for?""The other ten percent."

"They ought to make it a binding clause that if you find God you get to keep Him."