#humor

"I love when my cat crushes his forehead into mine like my skull is an empty beer can. But it’s not—there’s still a sip left."

"Hey!” I said, indignation filling me. “I’m immortal! Doesn’t that mean I won’t get saggy boobs and gray hair? Because if it doesn’t mean that, I want a refund—"

"I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there."

"Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another."

"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."

"Freedom [10w] You've never experienced freedom until you have nothing to lose."

"One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards"or "Anna Karenina"when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want."

"We're going to knock those demons out and slay them with the power of Jesus. Hallelujah, can I get an amen?- Timmie"

"They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit,"Valkyrie said. China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me."

"If there’s gold in it, then the mine is mine. And if there’s no coffee in it, then the cup is yours."

"My hands could be considered deadly weapons. You see, I write with both of them."

"Do you wanna play? Everyone's dead, so I got bored. Did you come to play with me?--Wrath"

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button."

"I'm not sure if there's one right place I'm supposed to be, he said, but I know a couple of wrong places I'd give a second try in a heartbeat."

"Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room."

"Life is and will ever remain an equation incapable of solution, but it contains certain known factors."

"Family {Couplet} For my misery, family brings relief,tripling my joy, halving my grief.This aesthetic arithmetic's quite poetic,an accounting surmounting odds unsympathetic.Now there seems no hardship I cannot withstand,accompanied by my exponential, familial band."

"Big lots,' I said, seeing the eighty-year-old oaks and shady lawns. The houses were set way back and had iron fences and stone drives. The harder to hear your neighbors scream, my dear,' was David’s answer, and I sent my head up and down in agreement."