#humor

"The dead know everything but they don't give a damn."

"Why is it that all cars are women?"he asked. "Because they're fussy and demanding,"answered Zee. "Because if they were men, they'd sit around and complain instead of getting the job done,"I told him."

"Tacos.""Tacos?"I echoed.This seemed to amuse him. "Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese.""I know what a taco is!"

"Find something useful to do with your morning,' she thought to him as she neared her chambers. 'Do something heroic in front of an audience. Knock a child into a river while no one's looking and then rescue him."

"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"You looove me. (holds out arms) You love me this much."

"I love you the way ice melts in vodka—slowly, seamlessly, and invisibly. It’s a feel-good feeling whether you see it or not."

"Basia coquum,"Simon said. "Or whatever their motto is.""It's 'Descensus Averno facilis est.' 'The descent into hell is easy,"said Alec. "You just said "Kiss the cook.""Dammit,"said Simon. "I knew Jace was screwing with me."

"Dogs [10w] Dogs never lie about love,but occasionally fake an orgasm."

"Diet and Exorcise [10w] The most effective diet is hanging around with fat people."

"Every time we start thinking we're the center of the universe, the universe turns around and says with a slightly distracted air, 'I'm sorry. What'd you say your name was again?"

"Till Death Do You Part [10w] Marriage will indeed change people ~for better or for worse."

"Rock 'n' roll is not red carpets and MySpace friends, rock'n'roll is dangerous and should piss people off"

"I know I love her, because when I see her my heart beats like a drum. If she played guitar and sang, we could start a band."

"Recollection [10w] Recollection recategorize memoriesby sorting them out into different collections."

"Marriage Material For women seeking a marriage partner,a man's sense of humor trumps good looks.Unfortunately for the funnymen out there,security trumps laughter."

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me."

"Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying."