#humor

"I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!"

"And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don't know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil."

"I just bought a new dishwasher. Some guy was selling two of them in a barn, and it was either that or get a horse, but horses leave spots on silverware."

"Adventures are never fun while you're having them."

"Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools."

"The best defense is a confusing offense."

"If you fail to report within the next 12 hours. you will be terminated. If you attack any humans, you will be terminated. If you attempt to remove the tracking device, you will be terminated. We look forward to working with you."

"They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers."

"You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!"

"There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous andshallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what youknow ain't so'."

"Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first."

"Masochist [10w] A masochist goes to massage parlor seeking a tragic ending."

"I match my pajamas to my comforter so I can disappear into sleep. I’m camouflaged into noonexistence, where I don’t wake up until 12:00 PM."

"Jesus!"Luke exclaimed."Actually, it's just me,"said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling."

"Genesis {Couplet} God spoke the world into existence, reifying an abstraction.Now the Creator's had second thoughts and wishes to utter a retraction."

"Underage-Killers [10w] Underage-killers like making a whooshing sound when they shoot people."

"Rae burned me. She has matches or something. Look, look..."Tori pulled down the collar of her T-shirt. "Leave your cloths on, Tori,"Simon said, raising his hands to his eyes. "Please."

"God, come down, if you're really there -Well, you're the one who claims to care!"

"Sure,” she said, and hugged the laptop bag closer. “What could go wrong?”Michael’s eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.Besides everything, I mean,” she said."

"Gabi to Marcus "I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!"