#humor

"In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke."

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person."

"I grew up once, I decided never to do it again"

"why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.Why try to make me like you?Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?Why do you scream when I do what I did?Im a kid."

"She has a body for years, and I have an astronaut tan. When we make love it will be like (x + 2)(2x -1) = 0, solve for x."

"He's acting as foolish as a kitten... but then, everyone's entitled to a little foolishness once in a while."

"The Machismo Motto [10w] "When we are not hard as nails we get screwed."

"While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, 'I love you' to me for the first time. It sounded like 'All lub boo,' but I didn't care. To reciprocate, I showed her what an ex-Marine looks like when he cries."

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button."

"The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him."

"I don't own the sunset, but I have a free yearly membership to stream whenever it's on, and this is a life perk that makes me wealthy."

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

"War [10w] Fight wars not to win, but so our enemies don't."

"You used to love me. Let me help jog your memory by buying you some running shoes. The shoes will be wooden, and nailed to the floor."

"Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is."

"Grandma's Advice on Ambition "Children, if you aim for the stars you'll be impaled by small meteorites and become toast."

"Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it."

"Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all."

"But we're going to smile and pretend we're fine with the dorky birthmas gifts because people do not get that they can't mush a birthday into christmas."

"My name is Percy Jackson. I'm twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York.Am I a troubled kid?Yeah. You could say that."