#humor

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."

"Last time I arm-wrestled, I broke my leg. Boy, what I wouldn’t do for love."

"I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?"

"I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop."

"Yeah? Can you draw a skeleton riding a motorcycle with flames coming out of it? And I want a pirate hat on the skeleton. And a parrot on his shoulder. A skeleton parrot. Or maybe a ninja skeleton parrot? No, that would be overkill. But it'd be cool if the biker skeleton could be shooting some ninja throwing stars. That are on fire."

"You nicked-named my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster!"

"I glanced up to see Liz and smiled. "Thank you.""I just went along for the ride. After that happened-"She waved at Derek. "You know how blind people need Seeing Eye dogs? Well, apparently werewolves could really use Opening Door poltergeists."

"It's impossible to walk through solid rock... You have to walk between the molecules that make up the rock."

"I want to do it too!"(sitting motionless)Nudge: "Nope, you stand out like a fart in a church."Max: (muttering) "Appropriately enough."Iggy: "What about me?"(stands still)Max: "No, you're visible."Iggy: "Am not!"Max: (throws a pinecone at him) "Could I do that if I wouldn't see you?"

"A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity."

"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true."

"Gifts Never look a gift horse in the assor a donkey in the mouth."

"Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable."

"Justin, honey, you were my very first kiss. My very first hand to hold. But you were nothing more than an average guy. And I don't say that to be mean- I don't. There was just something about you that made me need to be your girlfriend to this day I don't know exactly what that was. But it was there.. and it was amazingly strong. -Thirteen Reasons Why"

"Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment."

"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes."

"He smiled. "How kind of you to confirm what I already know. Perhaps next you will introduce me to myself. I hear I am quite popular."

"I’m giving a free concert tonight. Seating is limited, so bring your own toilet. While there is no admission price, if you bring 100 dollars, it’s like a roll of toilet paper."

"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."

"Hate [10w] Love cannot hate eradicate ~only a more ruthless hate can."