#humor

"Of all sports, wrestling is the most like cuddling. I’m all sweaty because I’m training hard to show her how much I love her."

"I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if you buy now I’ll throw in an extra bar of soap for FREE."

"Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them."

"That woman doesn't have the sense God gave a retarded flea."

"Just because I flap my arms, that doesn’t make me a bird. No, I’m a bird because I believe myself to be. That’s the power of faith."

"Far be it from me to keep a woman from her book. That could become dangerous"

"The word very will vary in muchiness. I love you very much, and that won’t vary from day to day."

"I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face."

"With a philosophy education, one can infuriate his peers, intimidate his date, think of obscure, unreliable ways to make money, and never regret a thing."

"My Sweet Home, Alabama If it grows, it sticks, if it crawls, it bites,if it's outside, it rusts,if it's ornery, it fights,if it's a dawg, it barks.if its a possum, it feignsif it's a buggy, it squeals,if it's winter, it's summer,If it's slimy, it's eels.If it ain't Dixie, it won't do,so let's fix to get piss drunkand lynch us another nigger and Jew."

"I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill."

"Do you mean ter tell me,"he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy—this boy!—knows nothin' abou'—about ANYTHING?"Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad."I know some things,"he said. "I can, you know, do math and stuff."

"Being a waiter is a waste of time, because think of all that waiting. But it’s better than loving someone who doesn’t love you back, because if you’re going to wait around, you might as well get paid for it."

"To be really mediæval one should have no body. To be really modern one should have no soul. To be really Greek one should have no clothes."

"It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing."

"I’d have been dead a long time ago if not for my friends, one of whom had just jumped off the cliff after me. I’d have been a lot more appreciative if he hadn’t pushed me first."~Cassandra Palmer"

"Myth, mist, and mystery all add to the illusion of love. If you need me I’ll be by the fog machine wearing a tunic and writing an epic poem in Greek."

"The human body is the best work of art."

"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."

"Me and her, we’re both hiding who we really are. This is a common practice. It’s called dating."