#humor

"Some piously record 'In the beginning God', but I say 'In the beginning hydrogen'."

"This paper, by its very length, defends itself from ever being read."

"You can laugh! But people used to believe there were no such things as the Blibbering Humdinger or the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!"

"Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?"I asked Leif."She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-""Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have sixmembers in good standing.Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice."--Yelena to Leif"

"Not really hungry.""She’ll eat."Pritkin said curtly."I said —""If you starve to death it would damage my professional reputation.""I eat plenty.""The same does not apply should I strangle you in understandable irritation, however.""I’ll have a sandwich,"I told Nick. "No meat."

"A circular table that spins around is a great way to make a romantic dinner for two with three people less awkward. I’ll pay for myself, I promise."

"I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"You like them,"I realized.Noah's eyebrows lifted in question."Like as people.""As opposed to...furniture?""They're my PARENTS.""That is my understanding, yes."

"Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies."

"If I was on the road to Hell, at least I was going in style."

"Diana Sporting a Remington Sendero SF II {Couplet} Over one shoulder hung a rifle, over the other swung a brace of pheasants;She was a no-nonsense breed of sniper, a viper with no time for fangs of conscience."

"Yes, you need a passport to prove to the world that you exist. The people at passport control, they cannot look at you and see you are a person. No! They have to look at a little photograph of you. Then they believe you exist."

"Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything."

"You'd be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies."

"My Sweet Home, Alabama If it grows, it sticks, if it crawls, it bites,if it's outside, it rusts,if it's ornery, it fights,if it's a dawg, it barks.if its a possum, it feignsif it's a buggy, it squeals,if it's winter, it's summer,If it's slimy, it's eels.If it ain't Dixie, it won't do,so let's fix to get piss drunkand lynch us another nigger and Jew."

"By the Angel,"Jace said, looking the demon up and down. "I knew Greater Demons were meant to be ugly, but no one ever warned me about the smell."Abbadon opened its mouth and hissed. Inside its mouth were two rows of jagged glass-sharp teeth."I'm not sure about this wind and howling darkness business,"Jace went on, "smells more like landfill to me. You sure you're not from Staten Island?"

"In the long run, even a marathon looks like a sprint. This is how I can love with such Roger Bannisteresque intensity."

"He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times."

"A Moment Before Impact [10w] The deer's eyes were moonstones, reflecting back my car's headlights."