#humor

"I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak."

"Mended [10w] {Couplet} If the recently mended heart,breaks again, it shall not start."

"Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?""I though it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy's house at night and throw up in his mailbox."

"Shee, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off."

"YOU FEAR TO DIE?"It's not that I don't want... I mean, I've always...it's just that life is a habit that's hard to break..."

"Hit ain't sacrilege. Miss Effie Belle says when she cain't think what to have for dinner, she asts God and right off He gives her an idea. To my thinkin', thet's sacrilege."Miss Love really laughed. "There's not a woman in the world who hasn't prayed what to cook for dinner, Rucker!"

"And you're blind?"Uh-huh,"Iggy said, trying to sound bored.Were you born that way?"No."How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?"Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened."

"Drinking coffee is like drinking an inverse yawn. I prefer mine with two spoonfuls of “I’m listening."

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off."

"Catalyst [10w] You're not lying if your lie helps engender the truth."

"I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100."

"I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount."

"The more fucked up you are, the more I like you. As long as you've managed to hold onto your identity through all the shit, then it won't matter how twisted you are. I will love you more for it."

"Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets."

"People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad."

"Pussy [10w] Her pussy was heaven's gate and the backdoor of hell."

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right."

"There will be no yelling at people who are bleeding themselves to unconsciousness."

"If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong."I swat him with a dish towel. "No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they're eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I'm a hundred pounds heavier than I was in high school, my veins are full of creme fraiche, and yet I look in the mirror, take in the hair and makeup, and think, Damn, baby, you fiiine."

"Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"