#humor

"Definition of Haiku in Haiku Due to brevityyour lame observations seemdeeper than they are."

"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes."

"When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back."

"This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here."

"I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive."

"You're Totally Fucked' Defined [10w] What's before you is hopeless and behind you is negligible."

"I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners."

"People with money have to worry about who their real friends are. I don’t have that problem for two reasons: I don’t have any money, and I don’t have any friends."

"Reckless vs. Diet [10w] I live too recklessly to worry about low carb diets."

"I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?"

"Before the NSA there was the Catholic Church. What is confessional if not a place to gather secrets? No wonder the church had all the power."

"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."

"I match my pajamas to my comforter so I can disappear into sleep. I’m camouflaged into noonexistence, where I don’t wake up until 12:00 PM."

"I have lightning and wind powers,"Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'"Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on!"

"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time."

"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."

"There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words."[Interview, The Paris Review, Summer 1956]"

"Enmity Enmity is the soul of shit."

"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."

"The world may be running out of water, but it isn’t running low on music. Let the dancing flow!"