#humor

"Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple."

"The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."

"If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate."

"When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get back to it."

"How do I know you'll keep your word?"asked Coraline."I swear it,"said the other mother. "I swear it on my own mother's grave.""Does she have a grave?"asked Coraline."Oh yes,"said the other mother. "I put her in there myself. And when I found her trying to crawl out, I put her back."

"Were you always such a stubborn, blind, obtuse girl?”“Are you calling me stupid?”“Yes, but in a more poetic way!”“Well, here’s a poem for you. Get lost!"

"Stumble When you don't know how to end a sentence you've stumbled upon a truth."

"I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don't know what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose."

"At the potluck, I brought two dishes: knowledge and mashed potatoes and gravy. Guess which one got cleaned out and which one hardly got touched."

"In a bookstore you can find me in the romance section, because I’m not a lover, I’m a reader."

"There's so much destruction all over the world - and all you can do is complain about ME!"

"The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind."

"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

"If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be ..."

"California Haiku "After my boob jobI'm taking acting lessons.Fuck's fifty, no anal."

"Rule of life. If you bother to ask someone’s advice, then bother to listen to it."

"Tell you what, you let me go, and I’ll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I’m slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me."

"2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom."

"Hook 'em I know how to leave them satisfied and hungry for more ~with a carefully administered shot of insulin."

"Save the Last Dance for Me Life is a Hesitation Waltz danced to swing time measure. We're all given the free will to suspend our moving foot or slowly drag it during the halt."