#humor

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

"I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career."

"Meow” means “woof” in cat."

"Why sell farming equipment to farmers? I should cut out the middleman and sell tractors directly to people dining in restaurants."

"A slinky is a toy made for stairs, but that’s entirely too tiresome. What about a toy for escalators that doesn’t move and does nothing and that’s the whole point? I think Americans would relate to and embrace that mentality."

"There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords."

"Congratulations!Today is your day.You're off to Great Places!You're off and away!"

"I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

"Black holes are where God divided by zero."

"Tweeting is talking into the abyss, filling a void in your life by avoiding real human contact."

"I like pink."Lucius sniffed. "It's just red's sorry, weak cousin."

"If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried."

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

"If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead."

"I have a terrible memory; I never forget a thing."

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here."

"Meek [10w] Blessed are the meek, for they've learned how to duck."

"Sing your life; any fool can think of words that rhyme."

"Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again."

"Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?"