#humor

"Say No to Drugs Commercials The image of an egg sizzling in a frying pan is not your brain on drugs.It's just a fucking omelet."

"Meaning what? We're going to pretend nothing's going on? That's stupid. The only way to deal with any of this is to get it out in the open."Have you been watching Oprah again?"

"Once a Ponce a time she made me feel like a conquistador. Now her memory is just a breeze seen in swaying Spanish moss."

"…well just call me Hannibal Lecter. With cleavage."

"Must be weird for you, having your mom here.""Weird for me, weird for her, probably weird for you since you had to give up your swinging bachelor pad.""Mrs. Casnoff let me install my heart-shaped Jacuzzi in my new dorm room.""Cal,"I said with mock astonishment, "did you just make a joke?""Maybe."

"If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there."

"Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention."

"A few said they'd be horses. Most said they'd be some sort of cat. My friend said she'd like to come back as a porcupine. I don't like crowds, she said."

"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."

"I wasn't fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. "There's nothing to talk about.""I knew you'd say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and 'I don't know what you're talking about.'"Dimitri sighed."

"A fridge will keep your steaks fresh, but keeping a live cow in grandmother’s room will keep the meat fresher. Let this be a lesson in love."

"The Getsmart PrayerI do my laundry and you do yours,I am not in this life to listen to your ceaseless yammering,And you are not in this world for any discernable reason at all.You are you, and I am I, and I got the better deal.And if by chance we find each other, it will be unspeakably tedious.Fuck off."

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

"Well you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should."

"You can knock on a deaf man's door forever."

"Steer Clear [10w] Avoid alliances with anyone who's more to gain than you."

"2 Rules on Becoming a Good Poet [10w] Rule#1: Never write shitty poetry.Rule#2: Never forget Rule #1."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me."

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?"and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off."