#humor

"My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary—A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of parole."

"That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery."

"Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice."

"Something about being rejected at Church Camp felt so much more awful than being rejected at school."

"What Children See [10w] "A spider is an octopus who lives in the desert."

"I like eating extra-virgin coconut oil. That’s like super non-fucked coconut oil."

"I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes."

"Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why."

"Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined. Well, at least ever since Bob Ross moved on to the land of the happy trees."

"Sigh""Did you just say sigh? out loud? instead of actually sighing?"Eye roll"

"All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ."

"I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone."

"I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead"

"I was just shy of reaching my goal. My goal was to be more extroverted, so being just shy meant I completely failed."

"People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy.-- Circular Letter to My Friends in Italy"

"Love is a process, either growing or shrinking, but never stagnant. My love for you was David, and now it is Goliath. Also, my love for you was Goliath, and now it is David."

"Pussy Whipped I was pussy whipped with four lashes.It was a helluva threesome ~but I still can't get the damn mascara off my one-eyed snake."

"When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn."

"At the potluck, I brought two dishes: knowledge and mashed potatoes and gravy. Guess which one got cleaned out and which one hardly got touched."

"The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid."