George Carlin

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."

"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"Electricity is really just organized lightning"

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."

"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

"There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords."

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."