George Carlin

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning"

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"