George Carlin

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up."

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"Meow” means “woof” in cat."

"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck"

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I"in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I"in independence, individuality and integrity."

"I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning"

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya."

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."