George Carlin

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning"

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck"

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"It's never just a game when you're winning."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."