George Carlin

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya."

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."