George Carlin

"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"Meow” means “woof” in cat."

"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"

"Electricity is really just organized lightning"

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."